DBZ is one of the all-time anime bestsellers, spawning a blizzard of merchandising since the anime was originally released in Japan in 1989. Toei Animation must thank their lucky stars that they have held the DB franchise for all this time. Not onlyare there enough episodes to make even Rumiko Takahashi jealous, the series has been re-edited, re-mastered and re-packaged to within an inch of its life.
Here's a little story I put together. Can this happen? Time will tell
Residents of a usually quiet lower North Shore suburb are still recovering from the discovery that all five occupants of an apartment were found dead in the early hours of this morning. All the deceased appear to be young men. Initial rumours suggested that they were all Muslims who committed group suicide when their terrorist plot was uncovered, but police have discounted this theory after discovering the remains of more than 14 family-sized pizzas in the lounge room, many of which contained meat toppings. Police also noted the lack of facial hair on the deceased and the absence of Islamic banners on the walls of the apartment. For more news on this baffling horror story, we now cross live to reporter Joe Bloggs, who is at the apartment block. Joe, what is the latest?
For the latest information about what led to this bizarre group death, we are joined by Senior Sargeant Frank Matters, who is leading the investigation. Frank, what can you tell us?
The camera pans to Frank, impeccably dressed in his police uniform.
Thank you, Joe. There are five deceased. All five appear to be male, Caucasian, aged in their early to late 20s.
Joe
Is there any blood?
Frank
No.
Joe
Have you found anything which might be a weapon?
Frank
No.
Joe
Are there signs of a struggle having taken place?
Frank
No.
Joe
Suicidenotes? Pills? Drugs?
Frank
No. Just the remains of 14 pizzas.
Joe
Anything else?
Frank
11 empty large bottles of Coke, 3 family-sized desserts and what could be up to 18 packets of chips. They might be Doritos, it's hard to say at this moment.
Joe
Likely cause of death?
Frank
It's still very early days yet in our enquiries, Joe, but a superficial look at the scenario would suggest that a possible cause of death might be over-eating.
Joe
Overeating? Are you serious?
Frank
Very, Joe. A police dietician has collected all the foodstuffs found in the loungeroom and a preliminary analysis shows that there were enough calories contained in the food and drink to sustain 11 average Australians, or 108 refugees, for a period of more than one month.
Joe
But why would 5 young and apparently healthy Caucasians eat themselves to death? Do you think it was deliberate?
Frank
I doubt it, Joe. Interviews with the families of the deceased would indicate that they were all happy, well-adjusted young men. They all had friends, family, good jobs. Their prospects were excellent.
Joe
But surely there must be some common thread here. Why would all 5 of them have been in the apartment at the same time?
Frank
That is an excellent question, Joe, and is forming the basis of our enquiries, moving forward. There appears to have been one common interest which all 5 of the deceased shared. They liked watching DVDs together.
Joe (looking excited)
Ah, pornography?
Frank
Only occasionally, Joe. No, that doesn't appear to have been the motivating factor here. It was something worse.
Joe
Big Brother? Biggest Loser?Master Chef?
Frank (laughing)
No, nothing that bad, Joe, and I think you'll find that some of those programs are on your network.
Joe (sheepishly)
Ah, right, yes, only joking.
Frank
No, this was something more insidious. Anime.
Joe
Anny what?
Frank
Anime, Joe. Japanese animated cartoons.
Joe
Adults watch that stuff?
Frank
I guess that the same question could be asked of some of the programs which we just mentioned.
Joe (looks offended and says nothing)
Frank
We have found what appears to be a box set of anime, which appears to be what the deceased were watching when they became deceased.
Joe
They died while watching cartoons?
Frank
That would appear to be the likely option at this point, Joe, although I must stress that we are still in the early stages of our enquiries.
Joe
How large was this box set? How many discs?
Frank
Forensics are still aggregating the discs, Joe, but at this stage it would appear that the final number will be around 50. Maybe more.
Joe
50 discs! Any idea of the total running time?
Frank
We have uncovered a box which might have been used as the container for the entire collection, but it's hard to read the writing.
Joe
Why's that?
Frank
The box appears to have been torn to pieces at some stage. Some parts are missing, believed eaten, and there's an awful lot of vomit on all the surfaces in the vicinity.
Joe
How many cartoons can you fit onto 50+ DVDs? It must be a couple of hundred.
Frank
Early days yet, Joe, but our initial investigations would suggest that it is all from the one cartoon series.
Joe
All from the one ...? But that sounds impossible. You sure it's not just a Japanese version of The Simpsons?
Frank
Quite sure, Joe. A constable has been viewing the series from the beginning, to confirm this.
Joe
Where is he up to?
Frank
He got up to about episode 63, then he had to be relieved of duty.
Joe
What happened to him?
Frank
The constable in question stopped responding to outside stimuli, showed signs of a significantly reduced heart rate, and started jumping up at random moments, shouting Kame Hame Ha for no apparent reason.
Joe
Kame what...?
Frank
It's a mystery to us as well, Joe. Federal police are getting in touch with our Japanese colleagues to see if they can shed some light on this.
Joe
Do you know how many discs they got through before they died?
Frank
Disc 31 was in the DVD player when police first entered the scene.
Joe
So it is possible that these 5 young men ate themselves to death whilst watching a Japanese cartoon? Some sort of marathon viewing session?
Frank
I'm not in a position to confirm or deny that, Joe, but it is possible, yes.
Joe
Any idea how long it would take to get to disc 31 if they started from the first one?
Frank
I can't be exact at this stage, Joe, but possibly 3 days, give or take a few hours.
Joe
Do you have any indications that this is what they did?
Frank
Forensic pathology reports indicate that the deceased may not have moved much, if at all, for a very long period of time.
Joe
How can you tell that?
Frank
All 5 of the deceased displayed horrendous open sores on their buttocks and lower back, a condition usually associated with the elderly and infirm in nursing homes. They hadn't moved for a long time, Joe. And then there was the bodily waste...
Joe
Bodily waste?
Frank (glances at the camera)
This might not be an appropriate topic for your audience, Joe.
Joe (drawing himself up)
Our audience demands to know the intimate secrets of everyone's life, Senior Sargeant Matters.
Frank
OK then. All 5 deceased showed signs of not having gone to the bathroom for several days. Not to put too fine a point on it, Joe, the deceased were covered in shit, piss and vomit to a degree not seen since the Irish hunger strikers of 1981.
Joe
Oh my God.
Frank
All 5 bodies were found swollen to twice their normal size. Putrefaction was well advanced, and the smell upon entering the premises is something which I will never forget. Even police dogs refused to go inside.
Joe
Sweet Jesus. It sounds appalling. Back to Simone in the studio now, who has a behavioural psychologist with her who specializes in obsessive disorders.
Back to Simone, who has just finished throwing up into a paper bag, which she hurriedly discards off camera. Simone (looking a bit dishevelled, but recovering quickly back into her professional persona)
Thank you for that update, Joe. I'm joined now live and exclusively by Dr. Agnes Roberts, an expert in obsessive disorders. Dr. Roberts, is it possible that a group of young men could eat themselves to death, whilst watching a cartoon series. Can anyone really become that addicted?
Dr. Roberts (who has a face of stone. Only her mouth moves)
Well, of course Simone, addiction is the incorrect term, despite its widespread use in the media these days. In medical terminology, an addiction is a chronic neurobiologic disorder that has genetic, psychosocial, and environmental dimensions and is characterized by one of the following: the continued use of a substance despite its detrimental effects, impaired control over the use of a drug, and preoccupation with a drug's use for non-therapeutic purposes. Addiction is often accompanied by the presence of deviant behaviors that are used to obtain a drug...
Quick reaction shot of Simone, who is checking her lipstick in a hand mirror.
Not all doctors agree on the exact nature of addiction or dependency however the biopsychosocial model is generally accepted in scientific fields as the most comprehensive theorem for addiction. Historically, addiction has been defined with regard solely to psychoactive substances which cross the blood-brain barrier once ingested ...
Cut back to Simone in the studio. The live cross over her shoulder seems to show reporter Joe in a battle with a wizened person of indeterminate age and sex. The droning voice of the good doctor fades out as Simone speaks ...
We now cross back live and exclusively to Joe at the scene, who has managed to find the neighbour who lives next door to the deceased.
Cut to Joe, who is battling for control of the microphone with an ancient woman, dressed like one of Monty Python's Pepperpots. Unfortunately, because of the background noise and the battle, Joe is unaware that he is live...
Joe
Let me have the microphone, you stupid bitch!
Wizened old bag
I've waited76 years to be on television and you're not going to bugger it up for me now ...
Joe
But I'm the fucking reporter, you old bag!
Joe seems to have yanked the microphone away from the old bag and is just about to speak, when he gets king hit by what appears to be the world's largest and deadliest hand bag. He falls to the ground in a heap. The old bag grabs the mike and looks straight into the camera. The cameraman is a bit confused, but stays with the old bag and slowly zooms in during her monologue.
Hello everyone. My name is Ethel Matthews, and I've lived in this apartment block since 1963. This used to be such a nice place to live. When I moved in here the neighbours were so friendly, always dropping in for a chat and a smoko. They used to bring in home-baked scones and biscuits, and we'd go shopping together. Now it's all changed. No-one visits me anymore, not even my kids. I don't know who the neighbours are, and I don't want to know either. You hear so many bad things about young people these days, and there's all those ethnic types as well. So many Asians. I'm scared to go out of the flat, especially at night.
Joe can be seen in the background, stumbling around, slowly coming back to his senses ...
These dead people lived on the same floor as me. I'm not sure how many of them actually lived in the flat, but who can tell these days? It might have been dozens, sleeping in the bathroom and on the balcony. They liked to play loud music, I know that. Probably full of drugs too. Nothing surprises me anymore. Sometimes I'd put a mirror out the window and try to see what they were up to, but I couldn't get the mirror out far enough to see anything really. Many is the time I wanted to hit the walls and tell them to turn that racket down, but I'm scared. I'm on my own with no-one to help me. I can't wait to die ...
Joe runs at the old bag from backstage, wielding what looks like a lump of 2x4 and hits her plumb on the head
Joe
Then let me help you along the way ...
She slumps out of view. Joe grabs the mike with both hands and recovers his composure. He is just about to speak when we cut back to Simone in the studio, who has a special guest.
Simone
We are now joined by the Federal Communications Minister, the Honorable Herbert Fang. Mr. Fang, what do you say to the growing chorus of concern about the effects of these cartoons on Australia's young people?
Herbert Fang
I, like most right-thinking Australians, am appalled that a foreign product can be imported into this country and have such a devastating effect on our youth. I have been in touch with the Prime Minister, and we propose to introduce legislation which will ban the viewing of more than 10 consecutive episodes of this so-called anime without certification from a qualified medical practitioner. I also propose to ban spikey haircuts. Anyone found uttering this weird "kame hame ha" phrase will be quarantined until the possible toxic effects have been thoroughly diagnosed and treated.
Simone
Thank you, Minister. It's reassuring to know that the government isn't going soft on this cartoon terrorism.
THE END
PS - the legislation was duly passed, unanimously, by both houses of Parliament. Online gamers, cosplayers, gothsand the members of anime clubs went underground. Secret sects were formed with tight security to hide their identities. Driven into hiding, these already paranoid people took to creating their own religions, despite overtures from the Church of Scientology. They worshipped their anime Gods, which led to an increasing incidence of people dressed in latex jump suits and weird haircuts. The more the authorities tried to close these religions down, the more obsessive and secretive the members became, which led to all sorts of problems. But that's a story for another time ...
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